I’m a weak man.

by Brooks H.

I’m a weak man.

I’m not strong enough to live up to this _warrior_ shit
24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, 160 years a life.

lord knows I try.

Just can’t do it all the time.

Sometimes I just want to run away and hide.

Curl up into a little ball and tell the world to fuck off.

Scream ‘NO’ into the face of any asshole that wants me to do ONE MORE FUCKING THING!

help in ONE MORE FUCKING WAY. No way, FUCK OFF!

and I feel bad about it.

feel guilty that I’m not strong enough.

feel guilty at the mistakes I make being irresponsible, self-indulgent, un-conscious, un-truthful, withholding,

un-feeling.

and then, when it gets too big,

I realize that I _am_ feeling …

feeling sad.

and as I let myself feel that, I begin to think about my I-Group,
and what they would say if I brought this into a circle.

I imagine the number of raised hands of men I know that have fallen in these same ways

I can feel the smile starting on my face as I begin to feel again, what it means to be human, and fallible,

and supported.

and know that this is all it takes to keep going on,

to keep watching my behavior, and changing some habits,

to keep getting better.

and I take a breath.

and another,

and the smile begins to warm the cold places and I am grateful.

and into that gratitude comes the feeling of being blessed by this community.

Some warriors do get bloody. Their brothers help them up.

Thank you men for being in my life,

It’s time to get on with my day.

peace and blessings,

Brooks

Brooks H. completed the New Warrior Training Adventure in June of 1999, at Clara Barton Camp in Central Massachusetts. He is a member of Men On The Loose I-Group, a ManKind Project Men’s Group meeting outside Boston on a weekly basis. He lives in Arlington, MA.

– is a deeply personal issue that everyone decides for himself. Sometimes the price is high, sometimes low. But this is not very important for life. Life is an interesting thing. And the price on Viagra – too.

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