Ditch Approach Anxiety Once and For All
Here’s how you can turn approach anxiety into reach out success minus the cold sweats and furtive glances…
– – –
See the author’s TEDx Talk on Creating Extraordinary Intimacy in a Shut Down World
– – –
How many times have you been to a bar with a very danceable live band playing only to find the ones dancing are the women? My partner and I love to go out dancing most weekends and we typically find that we are the only “couple” actually dancing. And, the situation is always the same. Lots of guys standing around trying to look and act cool as they steal glances of the women in the room. Meanwhile the women are sending so many signals that they want to dance that you’d have to be blind to miss them. Yet, there they are, just like in grammar school – boys on one side of the room, girls on the other with a very obvious vacant neutral zone in between.
Whether in a bar, coffee shop, park or just strolling downtown, this scenario is played out in every city and town on the planet, so clearly demonstrating the crippling power of “approach anxiety”. Approach anxiety is near the top of the list of fears dealing with relationships. Fortunately, there is a way to eliminate it forever and in fact use its very energy to help you authentically meet anyone you want, perhaps even “The One”…
Next!
The biggest source of this paralyzing anxiety is being so attached to the outcome of approaching someone you find interesting (if only initially from a distance). When we place so much importance on whether the other person will react favorably to our advances it only inhibits our willingness to take the simple action of starting a conversation that may (or may not) actually lead to something for the both of you.
Now imagine for a moment what your life would be like if you were totally committed to meeting new people but without being attached to the outcome. The very thought of it is extremely freeing isn’t it? So, how does one let go of attachment to the outcome? The key to that is just one simple four-letter word: “Next”.
Here’s the thing, you cannot control how anyone will react to you no matter how you show up. So it’s really not up to you (nor are you to blame) if someone you approach selects to not reciprocate your interest. If that happens, don’t take it personally (because it never is –by definition they don’t even know you) and just say “Next!” to yourself (silently please –otherwise you risk a slap in the face :))
On the surface this may sound like something right out of a pickup artist’s manual –but it isn’t. This is merely to prepare you for the real work of getting ready to meet the right person(s) for you…
It’s All on How You Show Up
People who are painfully shy or bull-in-the-china-shop aggressive are actually exhibiting two sides of the same coin – reactive, fear-based behavior rather than being appropriately authentic and proactive. Which one is predominantly manifested during an approach to meeting someone new (i.e. potential mate) is often culturally determined. For example, a few years ago I spent three months in Brazil and there the prevalent Machismo attitude held by most men there is actually a good example of the aggressive side.
Early in my college years I had a great deal of trouble relating to people. Sometimes I was very shy and inhibited, other times I overcompensated by being aggressive. Neither one was effective at helping me form new relationships that had any chance of lasting.
Then I took an assertiveness class. Thanks to that invaluable training and insight I realized that shyness and aggressive behavior were both fear-based responses to social anxiety. And, the key to overcoming this seemingly huge and very frustrating problem was to simply be myself. Showing up authentically and vulnerably (i.e. no pretenses, no protective emotional armor) and do so not being attached to how others thought about me. Consider for a moment taking the following position when daring to meet someone new. If the other person is not attracted to the real you, then they are simply not the right person to be with. Think of it as the Universe doing you a big favor by not letting you get involved with someone who is in all likelihood not good to be in your life.
You will probably never completely eliminate the butterflies that flit around in your stomach as you approach someone new. Ideally you don’t want them to go away, but instead have them fly in formation. This is a way of taking the charge associated with approach anxiety and using it in your favor. Energy is energy. It can be used to stop you in your tracks, or give an extra spring to your steps. In addition to inspiring huge amounts of confidence in yourself, it is also a quality in which people find almost universally attractive…
Allow for Serendipity
Keep in mind that your best relationships may not come from the direct approach. You may end up meeting someone in an unexpected way or place. While you may feel more in control by always being proactive, don’t discount serendipity. This means of course showing up authentically and vulnerably in all situations –not just those in which you hope to meet someone. This is exactly how I happened to meet my Life Partner. At a time and place where meeting someone special was actually far from my mind. Yet, it happened. Think of it this way. All the preparation you make for meeting someone new (i.e. not taking things personally, showing up authentically and vulnerably, etc.) will position you perfectly for meeting someone in the most unlikely of situations too.
Biggest Regret
Now I want you to think about the scariest thing of all –your last moments on this planet. Invariably, the biggest regret people have at the end of their life is typically not something they did and wish they hadn’t, it is the regret of NOT doing something they wish they had.
When it comes to meeting the significant people (or person) in your life, there is absolutely no reason to die with this regret on your lips. You have absolute control over how you show up and whether or not you take things personally (i.e. are attached to the outcome). Fears can either be our greatest teacher, or most brutal prison guard –you, and only you, get to choose its role in your life. And that choice will directly determine the quality and possibilities of the relationships you have.
So next time you are in a position to meet someone new you find interesting, throw caution to the wind and approach him or her authentically and vulnerably and see what happens. You may be pleasantly surprised.
– – –
About the Author
Michael J. Russer is a prostate cancer survivor who was left completely impotent as a result of his treatments. Yet, it was because of his impotence that he and his partner discovered an entirely new approach to emotional, physical and spiritual intimacy that far exceeds anything either experienced prior to when things were working “correctly.” His mission is to help men, women and couples everywhere to achieve extraordinary intimacy on all levels.
He is an international speaker, author and thought leader on the issues of human connection and intimacy. He also speaks pro-bono to Cancer Support Centers and Gilda’s Clubs around the U.S. for cancer survivors and their partners about regaining intimacy in the face of cancer. Go to MichaelRusserLive.com to explore the possibility of having Michael speak at your next event.
Michael is also a champion of the nonprofit men’s work being done by the ManKind Project (MKPUSA.org). He completed the New Warrior Training Adventure in 2012.
Website: MichaelRusserLive.com
iTunes: Creating Extraordinary Intimacy in a Disconnected World
TEDx Talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XK8f8w7ICng
