My reverse mid-life crisis
by Roy Biancalana
The most life-changing moment of my life occurred when I realized that nothing needed to be changed.
I call this realization “my reverse mid-life crisis” because it is the opposite of what typically happens to men. Usually, when a man reaches middle-age, he becomes dissatisfied with his professional path and/or his partner, then he makes changes to find “it.”My life has been the exact opposite of that pattern. Ever since I was a kid, I have been dissatisfied with my life and chasing the illusive “it.”
My reverse mid-life crisis moment occurred a few years ago when I realized that there was nowhere I needed to go, nothing I needed to do, to be that which I already am. This realization, which is still unfolding, has liberated me from a life spent trying to prove that I am “Mr. Somebody Special.”
For a variety of reasons, I grew up feeling invisible and average. I wasn’t abused or abandoned; I just didn’t feel special and seen. So, at a young age I began searching for something that would make me stand out and be noticed.
School wasn’t going to be “it” because I was an average student. I didn’t have any musical, dramatic or artistic talent either, so sports had to be where I would shine. But it was quickly apparent that I was average in baseball and basketball, and I didn’t want to be hit, so football was out, too. When I was twelve years old, however, my dad took me out to play golf. Bingo!
I made a par on my first hole! I was instantly good at the game. When I hit a golf ball, even at 13 and 14 years old, people would stop, watch and applaud me! It was incredible. It was like a drug. I was special!
The better I became at golf, the more special I became, which led me to practice obsessively. Eventually I was so good, I received a scholarship to play college golf. I turned pro when I finished school. Within a few years, I qualified for the PGA Tour. My dream came true!
I was at the pinnacle of professional golf — except I played like crap. I turned out to be just another pro struggling to keep his status on the Tour. I wasn’t special. I wasn’t standing out. In fact, I was feeling invisible and average again.
At that time, I became aware of a high profile mega-church in suburban Chicago that was looking nationwide for 12 special men whom they could train to start spin-off churches like theirs all around the country. In those days I was a committed Christian, and surprise, surprise, I began feeling like God was calling me to leave professional golf and devote my life to more eternal things.
Of course, I didn’t realize at that time that my ego, not God, was calling the shots. I thought I was following God’s will. But the reality was that I was following my ego’s will. If I was chosen as one of the holy 12, I would be special again. So, after being chosen, I quit the PGA Tour to be trained for starting and leading a mega-church.
Seven years later, the church I had started in suburban St. Louis was small and struggling — definitely not a mega-church. I certainly was not a visible, high-profile church leader. I was the pastor of an insignificant, inconsequential neighborhood church. There were not thousands of people coming out each week to hear me speak and see me “perform.” I was not special. I was not standing out.
So, golf was not “it,” and neither was “God.” I felt deeply depressed.
I left the church and returned to playing full-time professional golf. I wasn’t the player I used to be, though, and I was unable to get back on the PGA Tour. How would I satisfy my ego’s demand to be special and seen now?
Golf had failed to make me feel special and alive. God (the church) had failed. Now I turned to the third “G” — Girls!
I was completely unconscious of what I was doing. After golf and God had failed me, I left my wife for a younger, prettier and hornier girl. Her attention and affection would make me feel special. And for about two years, I was deliriously happy. She was “it.” We became engaged and then “it” dumped me.
To say I was devastated would be an understatement. I was undone. I came apart at the seams. My whole life appeared to be a failure. Nothing worked. There was no “it” to make me “Mr. Somebody Special.” A profession didn’t do it; a pulpit didn’t do it; a partner didn’t do it. There was nothing “out there” able to make me feel special “in here.”
This was my mid-life crisis, and it was a gift from God. My pain became a portal to a profound spiritual awakening. The pain drove me to look within and discover my true spiritual identity. To my amazement, my life had been a desperate search to find that which I already was! This was my life-changing realization: There is nowhere I need to go and nothing I need to do to be that which I already am.
It is now my life’s work to help other men and women use their ego-driven life patterns, and the corresponding pain it always brings, to be a portal to their profound spiritual awakening.
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Roy Biancalana is an author and certified life/relationship coach specializing in supporting people who desire to use their relationship pain as a portal to profound personal growth, the discovery of a life purpose and the creation of authentic intimacy. He coaches by phone. (http://www.coachingwithroy.com) |
