Three keys for fathers wanting to build a conflict-free relationship with an ex-wife
by Roy Biancalana
If you listen to the mainstream media talk about divorced dads, you would think most of us, at best, are distant and disengaged, or at worst, dangerous dead-beats. Most divorced dads I know love their kids and want the best for them.
Sure, there are men who abandon or even abuse their children, but most of us want to do everything within our power to ensure their complete well-being. To that end, although we no longer live with their mothers, we strive to be a consistent presence in their lives, not because we should, but because we authentically want to see them flourish and be happy.
Our commitment to the complete well-being of our children, post-divorce, is more about how we relate to our children then about how we relate to their mother. The relationship we have with our ex has an incredible, and often underestimated, impact on our kids’ development. If our interactions with our ex are filled with anger and bitterness, it impacts them just as negatively as it did when we were married. Our children’s well-being is greatly served when we forge a functioning, conflict-free relationship with our ex wives.
When I divorced my wife about six years ago, my son was eight years old. I was terrified of the effect it might have on him. Today, he is flourishing in school and sports. He has tons of friends. His relationship with me and his mom, as well as our respective spouses, is fantastic. In short, he’s doing great.
Part of the credit goes to my son and part to his mom. A large part of the credit goes to three commitments I made soon after my divorce. They are the primary reasons why my ex and I have not had a single argument since our divorce six years ago.
These three commitments are truly what I call “New Warrior” commitments, for they take strength, integrity and courage to live fully and completely.
Commitment #1: Conscious Intention
The primary reason my ex and I have not had any conflict is because I made a conscious intention to not have any conflict.
Does that sound simplistic? It’s not. The commitment is based on one of the most powerful laws of the universe: The Law of Intention. This law means that whatever I am experiencing is a reflection of my deepest intentions.
In other words, I am always getting what I want. If I am overweight, I must have an intention to be fat, though it may be unconscious. If I am single, my intention must be to be single, since that is the result I am experiencing. And if I have drama with my ex, I must want drama with my ex.
My results speak to my true (though often unconscious) intentions. So, creating a functioning, conflict-free relationship with my ex begins by making a conscious intention to do so. A New Warrior declares his intentions publicly to his friends, his kids and especially to his ex!
Nothing is created without intention; everything is created by intention.
Commitment #2: Take Responsibility
On the most basic level, my conflict with my ex is based upon unresolved issues with her from the past. In order to turn my conscious intention into reality, I must return to the issues that drove the two of us apart and resolve them. I do this by taking responsibility for what I did to create the problems between the two of us.
I am not a victim. I actually am a co-creator of my relationship experience. Seeing and owning my part takes an enormous amount of courage, self-awareness and usually the support of a coach or therapist. When I see it and tell my ex about it, conflict ends.
Let me give you an example.
About two years ago, I counseled a man who was having horrible conflict with his ex, with whom he shared parenting responsibility for a ten year old son. Even though they had been divorced for four years, they argued and screamed at each other whenever they spoke.
During one of our conversations, I asked him to put aside the surface issues they fought about, things like finances, childcare and broken agreements. I asked him to tell me what their conflict was really about. (You may have noticed that we are rarely upset for the reasons we think we are.)
He said that his ex has always thought that he was still in love with his previous girlfriend. Because of that, their relationship never had a chance. They fought about his prior girlfriend constantly, even after the divorce, and he always vehemently denied it.
I asked him if what she said was true. After some initial resistance, he admitted it was. I counseled him to drop his ego and take responsibility by admitting to his ex that both of his feet were never fully planted in their relationship, that as a result, indeed, they never had a chance.
He told her. At first she was very upset and said, “I told you so!”
After a few days, their conflict completely stopped. They now peacefully co-parent their son because he took responsibility. Now, you might wonder if she took responsibility as well, because we know that all drama is co-created. And the answer is that no, she did not. That doesn’t matter (well, maybe it did to his ego) because once one person takes responsibility, conflict is no longer possible. It takes two victims to tango.
If you have conflict with an ex, taking responsibility brings closure to all the old pain between the two of you. You can now deal with each other strictly in the present. Creating a present that is conflict-free is what commitment #3 is all about.
Commitment #3: Keep Your Agreements
Not long after my divorce became final, I mentioned to my best friend how concerned I was about my son and how the divorce might affect him.
My friend gave me incredible advice, although at the time I thought it was kind of trite. He said, “If you say you’ll be over to pick your son up at 6:30 on Tuesday, be there at 6:30 on Tuesday.” I took his advice, and I have consistently kept my agreements with my ex. It is a big reason why I enjoy such a peaceful, functioning relationship with her.
Making and keeping agreements are the final critical components to building a conflict-free relationship with your ex. If I say I’ll do something, no matter how little it might be, I do it. My word must be money. If my ex can’t trust what I say, and if my kids can’t count on me, then I am inviting conflict and pain into my life and everyone else’s life, as well.
As divorced dads, if we want to do everything within our power to ensure our children’s complete well-being, we will make a conscious intention to end drama with their mothers. We will accept responsibility for what we did to cause the relationship to fail. We will keep our agreements impeccably.
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Roy Biancalana is an author and certified life/relationship coach specializing in supporting people who desire to use their relationship pain as a portal to profound personal growth, the discovery of a life purpose and the creation of authentic intimacy. He coaches by phone. (http://www.coachingwithroy.com) |
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