Communication: How Men and Women Show Up in Emotional Intelligence
Patricia Clason, public speaker, radio and television interviewer and personal coach – recently compiled some research on how men and women seem to communicate, or fail to, as the case may be. While her conclusions are necessarily generalizations, even myths have a core of truth to them, which is why such stories survive. How we perceive the “other” half of humanity as men and women effects our lives on a daily basis, interacting with spouses, partners, family, friends and coworkers.
As people, we are prone to biases regarding the opposite sex which have the potential to constantly hinder communication, making everyone’s life more difficult. As you read Patricia’s fascinating take on how the two halves of our species talk to each other, take a good look in the mirror of your own personality and see if her assessments line up with your honest views of who you and the opposite sex really are.
Female/Male Communication Styles
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Women Dependent Listeners – defer attention Being nice to be competitive Rapport talk (private speak – personal content) Spatial – personal Want to be liked Affiliation = end in itself In conversation, these are the differences. questions agree listening responses express rapport supportive exploring meta-message proposals Other interesting differences………… Notices details – shows caring Assertiveness teaches women to talk like men Consensus then decision Act first – talk later Asking creates Connection Offers help to reinforce connections Hierarchies of friendship Match problems – empathy (result=men feel belittled) Avoid isolation – preserve intimacy Talk to create relationship/be together (sharing “secrets creates intimacy Freedom means independence |
Men Independent Avoid Listening – command attention Being competitive to be nice Report talk (public speak – factual, task focus) Logical, linear – impersonal Want to be respected Affiliation = power In conversation, these are the differences. statements challenge few responses self display challenging position/power bigger picture literal message commands Other interesting differences………… Attention to details implies letting go and creates involvement of control, losing “one-up” status Therapy teaches men to talk like women Act first – talk later Asking implies inferiority Need to help equals status Hierarchies of power & accomplishment Do not match problems – solutions (result=women feel “not listened to”) Struggle to preserve independence Talk to impress, establish status (sharing creates vulnerability so they call it “gossip”) Freedom means release from obligation |
Successful business people are not competitive, they excel in work competence, cooperation and involving others.
The effect of fear is sometimes indistinguishable from the effect of respect.
Adapted from: You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation by Deborah Tannen
Also by Deborah Tannen: Talking 9 to 5: Men and Women at Work and That’s Not What I Meant: How Conversational Style Makes or Breaks Relationships
A professional speaker since 1975, Patricia has created over fifty workshops, speeches, and keynote presentations highlighting the skills of Emotional Intelligence. A host for both radio and television interview shows for ten years with an extensive background in business and education, Patricia makes strong connections with participants from private, public and non-profit sector organizations, as well as associations. Emotional Intelligence is at the core of all of her work, helping people develop their self-awareness and social awareness skills to build effective, collaborative relationships personally and professionally. Her website gives more details and contact information.
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