Can I Get a Witness?
How journaling has given me the clarity I need when shit comes up.
by Matthew Sloane
I remember once being really pissed off at someone who left their car blocking the exit from my carport one day.
The anger was welling up inside me and quickly turned to rage. I then became afraid of myself, of what I might do. Afraid that I could not control this fire inside me and I might hurt someone,…over a parking space.
I never confronted them that day. Eventually they left but the feeling stuck inside me and I wondered what was going on. Surely there was more to it than I could see, and I knew writing what I wanted to say might give me clarity.
Here’s what I wrote:
Stay out of my parking space! When I want to leave, I don’t want to wait for the driver of an illegally parked car to show up, I just want to leave.
I don’t care if you’re only there for 1 minute—if you’re blocking my car, it’s a problem.
This is not a loading zone, it’s my parking space. Find another option if you need to leave your car somewhere. Park out of my way and put your emergency lights on.
Otherwise, I will call the police.
Again this is my space. I control my space and I’d like to keep it that way. Stay out of my space. Unless you have my permission, you are not welcome.
Back off! Stay away! Stay out!
And fuck you!
What I got from this was big for me. It showed me, through the multiple meaning words can have, that my struggle related to boundaries, my space around myself. That when I feel invaded, I want to lash out. I want to use my power to humiliate or hurt them. Which is what I was feeling—hurt and humiliated.
It told me that without asserting my boundaries, my space will not be acknowledged. This is the classic bully/victim dance that I’ve played with for many years of my life.
I could then see that the depth of my feelings towards the college student who left their car blocking mine was stronger than the situation merited. Why? Because it simply brought up all those past feelings of being pushed around and stepped on and having my space treated with disrespect.
Memories of being pushed into lockers by kids, using my light frame as a joke compared to their bigger bodies. Memories of having my backpack taken while being teased to get it back.
Lots of old painful shit.
Writing this stuff down that day gave me clarity on what was really going on. Perspective on the actual situation that had occurred separate from the overlay of past memories.
Witnessing myself in writing is one way I ease the sting of those old wounds, so that more and more, I can respond to today’s situations with a clean slate.
The other day I gently, but firmly, told someone to stay out of my parking space.
They haven’t been back since.
Matthew Alexander Sloane, is the author of Tulie’s Garden, an illustrated story about authenticity, vulnerability, and the dark side of being a man—as revealed through his personal experience. Matthew became a New Warrior in June 2009. His mission is to create peace by sharing his inner world. His website can be found at – is a deeply personal issue that everyone decides for himself. Sometimes the price is high, sometimes low. But this is not very important for life. Life is an interesting thing. And the price on Viagra – too.
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