Dads, sports and teens: Don’t force things
by Tim O´Connor
The father-son dynamic can be tricky, as I’m sure the mother-daughter dynamic can be tricky. For smoothing out relations among the testosterone-powered beings in a household, sports are assumed to be a slam-dunk, but that’s not always the case.
I am happy both of my boys have become sports fans and active participants, but not without some bumps in the road. Their reality and my expectations often have collided.
A game of golf can unite fathers and sons.
On those first dark-and-early drives to hockey arenas when Corey was little, I would start to dispense fatherly wisdom like dads are supposed to do in Canada. But Corey frequently just said, “Dad. Can you be quiet?
I learned I had to wait him out. When he was ready, he’d initiate the conversation. We’d have many great exchanges, and we still do. We connect best when we just gab, rather than when I try to deliver patriarchal pearls.
I eventually learned the wisdom of the phrase, “The more I give up control, the more I gain control.”
When Sean was around seven, I found it nearly impossible to get him up at 5 AM for occasional 6 AM hockey practices. His lethargy sent me into fulminations at the end of his bed about “commitment” to his teammates and coaches. Most times, he went back to sleep, and I angrily stomped out of the house for a walk. My expectations and his reality did not match up.
In time, he developed an intense passion for hockey, not from me, but from within. This past season, at age 13, he wanted to get up at 4:30 to be early for 6 AM practices.
The same thing happened with golf. Both boys have been swinging clubs since they were little, but they weren’t enthusiastic. Occasionally, I dragged them out to the short course where I play, promising plenty of pop and chips, but they often wanted to quit after only two or three holes.
I eventually realized that for two high-energy boys, golf was a lot about what they couldn’t do – like holler, run, wrestle, and hit each other whenever they wanted. Getting the ball airborne isn’t easy for little guys, either.
Now, at ages 13 and 15, they are stronger, better athletes and more mature. When they really belt a drive, the first question is “How far did that go?” They especially love whacking the ball over hazards that in years past they couldn’t carry. They pump the air like Tiger Woods when a long putt drops.
Now Corey, the elder, has become a golf maniac. Certainly, I’ve been an influence as an avid player, but the fire grew within him from being exposed to some great coaches and seeing professionals at the PGA Tour’s Canadian Open.
I feel so fortunate. When we’re playing, we just enjoy the game, the surroundings, and each other. We don’t talk about anything of consequence, unless one of my sons brings it up. Even when there is little chatter, there are valuable lessons learned, values absorbed, connections made.
Like most things in golf and life, things work out a lot better when I don’t try to force things. Even the tricky father-son dynamic.
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Tim O´Connor is the president of O´Connor Golf Communications.He is the current chair of the Canadian Media Golf Championship. Tim´s first book, The Feeling of Greatness: The Moe Norman Story, published in 1995, became a Canadian best seller. (http://oconnorgolf.ca)
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