Find Time or Find Someone Else
Nearly everyone is stressed for time and here’s how to avoid having your relationship fall apart because of it.
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See the author’s TEDx Talk on Creating Extraordinary Intimacy in a Shut Down World
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Recently I was interviewed on camera by a highly regarded relationship coach where we discussed many issues surrounding sex and intimacy. The part where things became, well… “interesting” was when I talked about how critical it was for couples to set aside at least a two or more hours of unbroken intimate time together each week without any distractions whatsoever. He proceeded to play the Devil’s Advocate and said that it simply wasn’t practical in today’s extremely stressed and busy life style. And how I responded to his protestations took him by surprise…
2 Hour Lovemaking!? You’ve Got to Be Kidding Me!
My partner and I are both very busy people with our own businesses. And like most entrepreneurs, free time is at a high premium. Yet when we make love it is for a minimum of 2 – 4 hours at a time. When I mentioned this to my role-playing host, he practically did a double-take and said that couples today barely have time for 15 minutes of lovemaking. He even implied that most couples wouldn’t *want* to make love for hours even if they had the time (really?)
Now clearly, “quickies” are not for us (nor am I even capable of them given that I’m clinically impotent). So we schedule our extended intimate encounters each week. As unromantic as that sounds, nothing could be further from the truth. Imagine for a moment how your partner will feel about you (and your impending intimate encounter) when she or he knows that you care so much about them that you actually scheduled your most intimate time together. Your actions send the loudest message ever: “I care more about you and our relationship than anything else –period!” Despite that romantic notion, he still was far from convinced.
Too Exhausted, Want Time with the Kids, blah, blah, blah…
At this point he pulled out all the stops and said (again, playing a role) that he worked 18 hours a day and would simply be too exhausted to even contemplate that kind of intimate session with his wife. After admitting that his crushing work schedule didn’t include Sundays I suggested he set aside two hours during that day each week. To which he replied that was the day he wanted to focus solely on his kids because he essentially ignored them the rest of the week. Let’s see… guilt-atonement vs. intimacy –boy, that’s a tough one.
The excuses he used are very similar to the ones I incorporated into my own marriage. One that ended up in failure where the last 11 years together we were no more than roommates. And what I find interesting looking back on it all is that my excuses for not scheduling time just for my wife and I were all socially sanctioned –I was being a great provider, good dad and faithful husband. Yet our failure to have the discipline (yes, it is a discipline) to insist on extended intimate time for each other at least once a week essentially doomed our relationship in its early years after the “honeymoon” period was over.
And you want to know what is so ironic about this? I actually told my wife just after we decided to have kids (a powerful intimacy killer if there ever was one) that we should *never* forget who is bringing them into this world. We are the core of the family and we must always strive to honor that and each other. Well, we forgot it pretty quickly and that was the start of a long parade of wounds that eventually did us in.
The Ultimate Question
After listening to all his reasons for not being able to schedule at least two hours of uninterrupted intimacy with his wife, I finally had enough and asked him the ultimate question: “Are you telling me you can’t set aside just two hours a week to intimately be with the most important person in your life?” He became very quiet after that one.
Here’s the thing, there is *always* time for the important things in life –we all know that –your partner knows that. Do you go to the gym regularly? Do you go out with your buddies regularly? Do you watch TV or cruise the Internet on a regular basis? You get the idea. By not scheduling time for the most important person in your life your actions are effectively saying all those other things are more important. Even if your partner agrees with you (they are likely time / energy stressed too) the message makes its mark just the same.
Reality Can Bite or it Can Be Blissful
If you are in a committed relationship and have read this far you have already gone beyond the point of no return (sorry!) This means you are now (for the moment anyway) fully aware of the potential poisoning effect of not setting aside significant intimate time for you and your partner at least on a weekly basis.
If you are still struggling with the notion of how to find this kind of time for your significant other, it may be a sign that serious relationship counseling is in order. Or, it’s time to consider that this person may not be the right one for you. You both deserve to have a life partner who is more important than any other thing or person on the planet and who sees you the same way. It is well worth considering whether the one you are with now is that person or not. And if they are, I implore you to discipline yourselves right now to set aside that time together each week. If you do, I think you will find that your honeymoon period will re-ignite and only glow brighter as you go through this life together. When that happens, *everything* else looks brighter and better also.
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About the Author
Michael J. Russer is a prostate cancer survivor who was left completely impotent as a result of his treatments. Yet, it was because of his impotence that he and his partner discovered an entirely new approach to emotional, physical and spiritual intimacy that far exceeds anything either experienced prior to when things were working “correctly.” His mission is to help men, women and couples everywhere to achieve extraordinary intimacy on all levels.
He is an international speaker, author and thought leader on the issues of human connection and intimacy. He also speaks pro-bono to Cancer Support Centers and Gilda’s Clubs around the U.S. for cancer survivors and their partners about regaining intimacy in the face of cancer. Go to MichaelRusserLive.com to explore the possibility of having Michael speak at your next event.
Michael is also a champion of the nonprofit men’s work being done by the ManKind Project (MKPUSA.org). He completed the New Warrior Training Adventure in 2012.
Website: MichaelRusserLive.com
iTunes: Creating Extraordinary Intimacy in a Disconnected World
TEDx Talk: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XK8f8w7ICng
