Gender Differences: Women love by sentiment. Men love by action.
by Steve Norcross
Women give and receive love as sentiment. Men give and receive love as action.
Already I’m in trouble. I have made a sweeping generalization with many exceptions. In this time of discovering that men and women are more alike than different, and in this day of a blurring of the lines that formerly defined the gender roles, I may be politically incorrect to describe inherent differences between the sexes.
Actually, I’m glad it’s no longer possible to state categorically that “men are like this” and “women are like that.” I grew up in a time and in a place in which gender roles were quite rigidly defined. A man rarely raised a child, and a woman rarely held a professional job. Thanks to a more enlightened time, and admittedly the victories of feminism, women and men have more equal access to both the world of action and the world of sentiment.
Having said that, I see evidence that in spite of attempts to equalize the genders, there are differences in the way men and women express their love for one another, for those they care about, for the world, and for the values they hold in high regard. Rather than being imprisoned by gender roles, the differences between men and women can be expressions of innate preferences, and the differences can give permission to explore deeply held desires.
Been in a greeting card store lately? I haven’t, but I remember going into one a few years back in search of a card for someone. I counted eight women customers while I was the only man. I began to notice some other things about the store. The color pink was much in evidence. I detected the scent of candles. The background “music” was, well, sweet. The place seemed crowded with narrow aisles. The customers (except for me) seemed to want to hang around for a long time. Generally, the ambience was feminine.
In contrast, I visited a building supply center a few days later to shop for a new kitchen faucet. The gender ratio there was still eight to one, but men occupied the higher number. The items there were tools and building materials. The aisles were wide and straight. There was no music playing in the background. The scent was that of sawdust. No one lingered. It was strictly go in, get what you need, and check out. Generally, the ambience was masculine.
Yes, we have discovered that life is much the same for men and for women. Yet, there are innate differences. And the particular ways that men and women express love may be similar but tend to be different.
After 25 years of marriage, my wife Sandy and I sometimes find that our expectations of love run up against gender differences. There have been times that she has tried to turn me into a woman, and there have been times that I have tried to turn her into a man. None of these ploys work, of course, and generally we are happier and more content if we leave each other be for who we are.
On her birthday, I tend to prepare a special meal or to take her out someplace. These gestures are appreciated, yet I know her well enough to realize that a card — for which I have gone into that scary card shop to stand for an hour as I go through the stacks of cards until I find just the right message — a card that I bring home with a kiss and assurance that she is the most special woman in the universe, such a card would surpass her greatest dream as a birthday present.
On my birthday, I repeat my frequent phrase that the greatest gift is to keep me well fed and well sexed. Everything else is window dressing. She recognizes this and generally pleases me all the time, especially on my birthday, but I know she believes that these things are everyday and not particularly special. To me, the action speaks more loudly than the sentiment. Vive la difference!
In 1992, John Gray published the book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. The book was a sensation because he was able to articulate what people had instinctively known.
Sometimes Sandy and I go to meetings without the other. When I come home from mine, she wants to know who was there and what was said and how everyone felt. When she comes home from hers, I want to know what decisions were made and what the next step will be. Mars and Venus.
‘By now, I likely have enraged several readers who will want to dismiss me as a chauvinist pig. In self defense, I need to say that I believe in equal access to all of life’s blessings and curses without regard to gender. I love it when a woman becomes the head of a corporation and the head of state. I love it when a man wins custody of his children and raises them as an capable single parent. More to the point, I am pleased when women love men with their bodies and men love women with their hearts.
But after a generation of men who have been labeled as “New Age,” it’s time to recognize that men and women have distinctive styles of loving. Men are rediscovering their deeply masculine selves. This is the self of firm leadership and assertive action.
Women love by sentiment. Men love by action.
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Steve Norcross is an Episcopal priest, the director of pastoral services at William Temple House, and the Priest-in-Charge at Ascension Parish. He is married with two grown children and a granddaughter on the way. His blog is at Snorx.wordpress.com. |
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