On the edge of suicide
by Christopher St. John
I was in so much despair that the only thing left for me to do was take my life.
Seems like a lifetime ago. At the tender age of twenty three, I was at the end of my rope with no way out. After many cries of help through my self-destructive behavior, almost everyone in my circle had given up on me. I was certain everyone would be better off without me. Why had my life turned into crap?
I had a suicide plan. I would drive to a quiet dirt road near my family’s cottage, where no one I knew would find me. I bought a gun. I wrote a suicide note to leave in my desk.
I knew nothing about divine intervention.
My cousin found the gun in my room while I was in the shower. Knowing something was seriously wrong, he said nothing to me, but he removed the clip from the gun and left it there. When he left I put the note in my drawer, I took the gun and realized the clip was missing.
Moments later my Dad came into my room. By the look on his face, he knew. He put his arms around me. I broke down crying. My parents drove me to the hospital where I was placed in the psychiatric ward under a suicide watch. I can’t remember much because of the medication. I do remember thinking, I’m not crazy. I shouldn’t be here.
My girlfriend, Nicky, stayed late to talk about a term paper with one of her college teachers. Overcome by emotions in the meeting, Nicky told her teacher what had happened, that I needed help. The teacher consoled her, telling her about a previous teacher who was now a therapist, Owen Williams. If anyone could help, it would be him.
Nicky didn’t waste any time. She called the therapist that night. After a lengthy meeting with Owen the next Nicky decided that I needed to see this man. She took me from the hospital to Owens’ office. I still remember meeting him for the first time, and how compassionate he was, how loved I felt.
In our meeting, Owen asked if I would make it through the night without hurting myself. I wasn’t sure.
He asked me to commit to making it through the night, to come back the next day and talk again. I agreed.
Fourteen years later, Nicky is now my wife, and I am working alongside my mentor, Owen, the man who saved my life. As a Certified Professional Co-Active Coach (CPCC), I now support men with the same compassion I was shown.
Owen also introduced me to MKP, which validated my need for connection and brotherhood with other men. While nothing can replace my wife’s love for me, I believe a man needs to feel loved by another man before he can fully accept the love of a woman. Can you name a man who loves you?
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Noë Gold has been an editor and contributor to Hollywood Reporter, Variety, Movies USA, bikini, Guitar World, Village Voice, NY Daily News, VH1, TBS, AOL Entertainment Channel and Entertainment Asylum. His stories have appeared in Rolling Stone, GQ, USA Today, Premiere and The LA Times Magazine. (Noë’s blog) |
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