The four loves of my life
by Joe Glassman
For me, love is devotion, promise, interaction, giving, and risking. High risk; high reward.
The obvious themes for love in my life seem to be self growth, forgiveness, risk taking, and never giving up. My father always said, “Tomorrow is another day.” What he meant, I think, was that another day offers new opportunities to reach out and to try.
Here are four areas of my life where I try to love.
1) My daughters.
Ariele is 19 years old and Aviva is 15 years old. Paternal instinct helped love happen. Bonding behaviors on my part when they were infants and little children built a strong love foundation. My own slow painful emotional development helped deepen my love for them. Their sweetness and goodness as people keeps my heart open with them.
My love for my daughters is boundless, unending, protective, teaching, without contract or condition. We share a give and take of time, language and affection.
2) My wife
My wife of six years is Eileen Sperl. This is my third marriage. We were long-distance friends for twenty years. After both of our divorces, the barriers to an intimate love relationship fell away. I threw all of my fears and doubts, my trembling and shuddering out of my body. I had to trust what she was giving me while we figured out how we would have a life together.
She came to me with her children: Emily is now 17 years, and Tim is now 13 years. She gave me reassurance, her own open heart, and the trust of our long term friendship. I let her love into the gap created by dumping my insecurities. So far, so good. As for step parenting, that’s another animal.
3) My siblings
This is an odd love for me. I let this love happen by forgiving all the painful things we did to each other in our childhoods. Many times I’ve had to ask myself, “At this time in my life, what do I want or need from these people? And what am I willing to do to make that happen?”
I think of love as devotion, a promise of some kind. The more interaction, the more intense my feelings become. My siblings and I do not communicate very much. We do not see each other very often. This loves feels like a loyalty, a basic expectation. We are authentic when together as a group. We share lots of laughter and good food. I am always refreshed after visits.
4) “Temple Life”
Temple life includes Shabbat services, Torah study participation for about 20 years, our Men’s’ Spirituality Group of two years, and events with the Temple Brotherhood that features summer softball league, monthly educational events, plus making and serving food to the congregation at the festival of the harvest. This love, percolating for 25 years, is steeped in ritual, sharing life events, mutual respect and learning.
My early experiences with my fellow Jews was so negative and emotionally abusive. I had to ask the same question again and again. “Why am I spiritually starving to death? What am I seeking from my religion? What is available from the synagogue? Am I willing to face my fears and anxieties to try to get what I need?” This was probably a ten-year process of seeking and searching, risking and finding. I learned to trust the people there enough to bring my children, who have really enjoyed growing up Jewish. It is a revelation to be a satisfied Jewish man.
| Joe Glassman is a clinical social worker with 25 years experience. He facilitated several men’s groups and was a member of a men’s support group for 15 years. Late in life, he became a bar mitzvah and a black belt in Israeli martial arts. |
– is a deeply personal issue that everyone decides for himself. Sometimes the price is high, sometimes low. But this is not very important for life. Life is an interesting thing. And the price on Viagra – too.
