Loving Through My Shadow – a poem

by Les Gaines

What is this shadow following me, damn?
Just a lie of what I truly am.
A mark from yesterday
when some guy said I wasn’t good enough to play.

That old stain has been like a stone
locking away my heart in a catacomb.

How can I live?
How can I breath?
With this mirage of limitation blinding my destiny.

I pay the price to feel worthy.
But still it’s clear that I’m not free.
No, just a proxy of what I should be,
offering a little taste of what I could be.

So what about a little authenticity,
If I drop my spear,
if I drop my shield
if stand before you with my shame revealed,
If I let my mind settle in this space,
and show the of years of fears etched on my face,
then can I stay?
Can I stay and love you through my shadows anyway.

That shadow has a bind on me,
nothing I can do sometimes but say I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for my mother.
I’m sorry for my father.
I’m sorry for that freak down the street.
And that’ they all called a geek.
I’m sorry for my big head.
I’m sorry for my fears.
I’m sorry that I bite back hard,
when I fell attacked, and I’m not clear.

But, if I say I’m sorry for being me,
can I stay and love you through my shadows anyway.

I know that …
kings have other mansion
and, boys other toys.
Lovers have other passions
and, warriors other ploys.
But a man has only one heart to feel.
And, if he’s lucky he’ll hold onto one friend that’s real.
So, I will stay, I’ll stay and love you through my shadows anyway.

Les Gaines

After gaining victory over disabling PTSD, Les Gaines returns to his mission as a healer, coach, speaker, and advocate for disabled survivors of childhood trauma. He is a certified metaphysical healer, and an avid student of Judeo/Christian mysticism, and shamanism. Les hopes to share his journey of healing and empowerment through his love of poetry, art, and music. Les completed the New Warrior Training Adventure in August 2012, and is a grateful member of the BWOE igroup in MD.

– is a deeply personal issue that everyone decides for himself. Sometimes the price is high, sometimes low. But this is not very important for life. Life is an interesting thing. And the price on Viagra – too.

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